Continuation of Canoe Trippin' with LB: Bear Safety
A bear would NOT use a privy to shit in the woods, but the rest of us have too
BATHROOM ETIQUETTE
I can tell you for sure that a bear shits in the woods, and considering how many camping trips I have taken, I have done the same. Being privy to information is always a good deal, having to use a privy is not. This whimsical creation can be found on most campsites across Canada, and varies in design. Sometimes its a barrel with a toilet lid, sometimes a wooden box, sometimes there is no lid and you can be sure that toilet paper is never supplied.
I am very comfortable (aside from the fact there is no comfort in sitting on one of these beauts) using a privy and really any outdoor toilet available. I even spent a summer as an Ontario Junior Ranger in 1999 and part of that job included covering up old privies and digging new ones.
Basically that means I was paid lower than minimum wage to dig shitters. I didn't mind much, I always enjoyed placing the new ones in really open spaces for low privacy. It made having to do this task much more enjoyable.
Using a privy is thus, not the most enjoyable event while camping, what's worse is having to go when there is no privy to be found. I know for men, when it comes to having a tinkle they can seem to go anywhere at anytime. The dynamics of going are easier and there is no need for me to explain why, we all know why.
I have perfected urinating outside (sexy I know) over the years from a variety of life circumstances. Sometimes it's been out in the middle of nowhere, sometimes it's been behind a few space trees in a city area (I drank too much in my twenties don't judge me). At times I was sober, at times I was indeed drunk.
I have been caught by watchful eyes, I have been bitten by bugs and I have "missed" all while going out there in the world, sans toilet. I have come up with some neat tricks along the way, and since I am talking camping here I will stick with that genre. I have also not gone in a public in a decade, so I'd like to keep that topic where it belongs - in the past.
Important to locate when you number one outside as a lady - privacy. Since the while shebang needs to get pulled down you best hide your naked ass behind some shrubbery. If your ass is a white almost blue hue like me, I suggest extra shrubbery. It reflects the sun something awful so be warned that waving that around where any light shines can give you away.
It is crucial that you find a tree within the shrubbery. Ideal conditions are in a thick wooded area with lots of forest floor coverage. You will need this tree for support, so make sure you don't mind holding on to it (pine trees can get a bit sappy so beware.)
So step one - locate the flora. Step two - I will get back too. I must jump to step three first, if you don't mind (you have absolutely no control anyhow). Step three - really pull those trow down. All the way down. There is nothing that can get any splash or spray off your pantaloons when you are camping or hiking, and by George you don't want to spend the rest of the day in urine doused anything.
Step four - use the tree as leverage while you relieve yourself. Just hug that tree like your David Suzuki and make sure your feet are at the base of the tree and your bum is as far away from the it as is humanly possible. (The lack of a tree results in a squat, which causes my under worked thighs start to burn).
The fifth step is simple, just pull yourself back into the tree, take a hop away from the contaminated area and move on with your day (I am just assuming you know the common sense of the front to back you need to do before pulling up your pants).
Simple? Yes. Effective? Absolutely. It may not be as efficient as a go girl but the system works, I have used it for years. They system has been a constant for me and is in my eyes, perfect. The only small tiny glitch is, if you miss a step, you can really land yourself in some trouble.
Step Two is brought to you by the Adirondacks in upper state New York. It's a breathtaking area of foothills and mountains, made for hiking. I was still a canoe trip leader even if this particular trip had no canoes, it was all altitude and on foot.
It was day three or four this time, I can't remember which one but it was dab in the middle of our adventures. We were moving base camps and heading up into the alpine zone and over a mountain to cross down to our next camp. I was hiking with my pack full of gear and was making sure I stayed hydrated (lovely to have fresh mountain water at hand).
I guess I got a bit too hydrated, and nature called (I was conveniently already in the woods - har har). Unfortunately at a higher altitude the ground had but moss and pine needle coverage and the trees had gotten smaller and more sparse.
I told my campers I would be right back, and they giggled when I explained I needed them to all face the other way. I walked about a hundred feet but was still in eyesight of the trail.
I felt secure that no one would turn around and I began my steps - if there is no coverage - just improvise like that. Step two I will tell you now, is check the tree. I mean really check it. Make sure that tree is solid, and I mean solid. Take a test run hanging on that thing before you move to the third step.
I missed step two, I fucking missed step two and didn't check to see if I had something to bear my weight. I wrapped my arms around that skinny half dead tree and was nearly completed step four aside from my shake and wipe (needs no explaining, sorry if it's too much info but that's what I am all about).
I did the shake and it all went to hell.
The tree cracked, it cracked in half. It hit the forest floor and the sound of the crack and crash echoed through the mountains. The hills were alive with the sound of failure.
As the tree fell I fell backwards with my hunter green hiking shorts around my ankles. My tan boots kicked into the air, and the entire group of campers turned around in reaction to the noise.
I have body image issues sometimes, and it is thus no suprise before even telling everyone I was ok, I yelled out "I'm fat!"
They all burst into laughter knowing I was ok, and I was now the literal butt of any joke for the end of the trip.
So there you have it, when your doing a number one out in the wilderness, don't forget step number two.
Coming soon: Canoe Safety
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