Turkish Delight

According to my mother, I was suppose to be a boy. According to my uncle, I am the son my father always wanted. According to me, I am a woman who is consistently frustrated by gender ideals.

I cringe anytime I hear people refer to things as "girly" or "manly". I feel at times I break the mold on gender ideals, I know others who fit into this category as well.

I worked in schools for a bit of time doing public education through a non-profit agency. I created a program about gender issues in hopes to alert students on the dangers of this thinking (I worked for a shelter for abused women and children, so to me this fit).

It was an incredible experience overall. The first activity I would make the class do, is spend a minute writing a list for what comes to mind when I say man, and when I say woman.

I would then write these ideas on the board in separate bubbles, and most times the same words came up. For men: strong, assertive, dad, bread-winner, trucks, sports etc. For women: feminine, mother, caring, home-maker, emotional etc.

I would then slide words around and ask if men or women can interchange, and a solid discussion would begin. Preconceived notions would fly out the window and I would leave feeling really good about things.

Alas, the world we live in is behind on the times, in my opinion. I love to watch hockey (go hawks), I have worked in law enforcement and can take people to the ground, I'm strong and assertive. I don't like trucks or know much of anything about cars, I played with Barbie's and micro machines, I'm caring and emotional and my attire is that of the offspring of a hippy and skater dude.

I break the mold. We all do, but most of my life I have dealt with stupid assumptions about who I am simply because I am a woman with "manly" qualities. I am asked if I am a lesbian, told by suitors that I am too intimidating, and get told things like "you're like the son your dad always wanted".

When I was a child, I was mostly unaware of these issues. I enjoyed what I enjoyed with no questions about what any of that meant (because it doesn't mean anything monumental). I think however, that the adults around me noticed, and judged.

My parents sent me to a day camp when I was about twelve. It was an acting camp at the local art theater, and looking back I think it's beautiful that they sent me there.

It was back in the days of large hand held video recorders. Logically, the hip thing to do was make a movie, and we did. We remade the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.

No one got to pick their part, they based the choice on them getting to know you for a few weeks. I got a lead part, if you can believe it. I was going to be a main character, and should have been over the moon.

Problem was, I didn't get the part of Lucy. I didn't get the part of Susan either. i was awarded the part of the chubby, whiny, traitor of a brother, Edmund. May I please have some more Turkish Delights?

Fuck me. It was time to slick back my hair, tuck in my mini boobs and speak like an English chap.

I went home upset and asked my mother if I looked like a boy. She told me I was beautiful and that I should be proud that they feel so strongly in my acting, that I can act like a boy.

I was dedicated to that character from then on.

What I see now, is that they saw me "acting like a boy" for much of my day. I am proud to say, that I am who I am. Gaga was right, I was born this way, I wear it, I own it, and I never back down from my real self.

I can bake a cake and finish off a six pack at the same time if I want too.