I am moving in less than two months, which will make a perfect tenth time I've moved in the last ten years. That means on average (yeah I know you know) I have moved once per year. Of course I haven't actually moved once a year, but damn.
When I have a staff meeting at work, I can't sit still. After a few years in a job, I'm ready and usually move on to the next interest. I travel to different cities, I go with the wind (especially after I've broken it).
This time, it's different. I'm a 33 year old, unmarried, self proclaimed cat lady who is actually moving in with a real life breathing adult male. A dude I love. A man I want to spend the rest of my life with, unless I scare him off before then. After being a woman of complete independence and free flow for decades, this crazy feline friend is about to settle down with a wonderful loving penis person.
It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time. This step means a lot too me, because I have stuck by the ideal that I would never live with someone for convenience, financial sharing or due to a certain amount of time lapsed in a relationship. I did declare that I would only move in with someone if I felt I couldn't live without them. I found him, after years of absolute doubt.
I will disclose that I am perhaps a bit on the emotional side these days, due to an inconvenient uterus. A uterus that lately has been causing me worry. My uterus is 33. It's a body part I don't feel I have used much over the years, all it's done is cause me pain and the embarrassment of dropping that pad in the hallway at school in grade 8. The question of course on my mind, should I use this thing before it's "too late"? This is followed by "can I even use it if I decide I want too?"
I am surrounded by babies, I am getting too "that age" (you know...complications past 35) and I have finally met someone I want to make a life with, so is this something I need to act on soon. It's a scary question, and the man I love and I have had the talk.
Tonight I spent dinner and the evening with my sister and her beautiful kids. I have a niece (6 months) and a nephew (almost 4) who light up my life. My nephew has inherited the crazy that runs in my family (brother in law included). I love it, and I love that I can get to an easy level of play with this guy.
To make him laugh I just need to make fart noises and run around like the nut I am. Tonight while assisting him in wiping at his request and much to my sisters delight, he proclaimed that I am really good at wiping bums. I am really good at wiping bums by the way, I do it Monday to Friday and not just on myself, on others too. Should I mention I work in a group home where that is a part of my job? Yes, or you may think me a pervert.
Later on while playing "timber" as he fell on me like a tree and I stacked him as firewood, I told him he has stinky feet as he fell onto me knocking us backward, he giggled and said "you have stinky boobies." I laughed harder than him and decided in that moment, I want to create something like him.
He's a smart little dude with the most delightful love of life. Who wouldn't want these moments for all those other tough ones? As I drove home I started to think of my ticking clock (pardon the cliché) and feeling hormonal felt sorry that I didn't have this joy in my world. The idea that I may never have this joy.
After grabbing some chocolate (double cliché) from the store and dialing my pj's, I received a text from a good friend. She told me she was feeling down, and also experiencing some hormones of her own, told me she doesn't think he's out there, and she may die alone.
I flashed back a few years, a mere couple years really where I remembered that feeling. That worry that surfaced from time to time, that idea that I was never going to find the right man, and I would die alone surrounded by cats and empty cans of diet Pepsi. I did my best to chat her up, and reminded her of what I use to tell myself. If he's out there, it will happen, if he's not, I'll still be great. I believed it and lived it, it's what made being single so awesome.
As I finished the chat, I thought about the chat I had with my boyfriend. If children happen, great, if they don't, we will do other great things and still be...dare I say it again, great. Why do we always want what we don't have? It's time I take my own advice again, and embrace to move forward with no expectations.
Besides, I do have that joy. I have my niece and nephew and they are joy enough in the kid department, even if I have to be Aunt Stinky Boobies.
