On Glacial Debris: “Wow, so this is like, really old dirt.” Kim Anderson
KIM ANDERSON
There is no official way to introduce you to my mother, but I most likely wouldn't get the chance anyhow because she would jump in first to let you know she was my older sister, and make you laugh about something within minutes (and it's most likely about the time I did something I didn't want you to know about).
You would love her, and you would tell me how lucky I am to have such a fun mom (you would indeed be right). She would use one of her many delightful lines, and you would walk away hoping you could remember it to pass it on later. She is a master linguist. She can sum up a feeling in a word, and can make statements that will most likely outlive us all.
I find myself starting many of my sentences now with "as my mom always says" and fill in the blank. The things my mother has never really said anything repeatedly that is remotely normal.
Example: When I was in high school, it was common practice for my mom to pass advice to my friends and I anytime we went out anywhere. It was the same thing every time. We would collect ourselves at the door to head out and she would say, "Now girls, don't forget to get the money up front."
Thanks mom. My friends would laugh and I would roll my eyes. It was a constant line that I now quote to other people helplessly. She is famous for lines like this, ones that the family may at times poke fun of her for (we are relentless actually) but we secretly love.
My mom is fast on her feet, she truly is a one woman band, not only because she does an amazing impression of one, but because she is just that entertaining. She can hit a one liner back at you that will knock you on your ass.
There is an Italian restaurant in my city that is similar in phone number to that of my parents house. When I lived at home the phone would ring for this place at least twice a week.
On a side note, people are stupid. My family, being ridiculous, usually had a silly answering machine message, at the very least our family name. People left messages all the time, making reservations, asking about hours, and so forth. Often though, we were home when the calls came in, and usually my mother would be the one to answer.
My mom tends to make the best of a situation via humour, and so she did. The first call I enjoyed, was one that she took while making supper in the kitchen.
My Mom: Hello?
Caller: Yeah, can you put me through to the kitchen?
My Mom: Well, I'm standing in the kitchen.
She never got angry with people who called, she understood that it was an honest mistake each and every time. The milk distributor in my region is called Beatrice, and apparently they do the order for the restaurant.
My Mom: Hello?
Caller: Hello and good afternoon, this is Beatrice calling for your milk order.
My Mom: I didn't know they still did home deliveries.
The call would usually end in laughter on the other end, although occasionally she would get people who would argue that they did indeed dial the right number (see comment above about people).
Growing up I was at times very shy, and my mother made sure to drag me out of my shell. She was always making a spectacle any place we went. Flashing back in my mind to this time in my life is mostly coupled with circus music. Leaving doctors appointments, grocery checkouts or the like she would look at the person/s working there and say "Ok, you can all go home now!" See also "You should go home tonight and have a big glass of wine" or when in relation to a cranky person/s prior to us, "that person needs to get laid."
I would get red in the face and again roll my eyes. My family is a traveling circus, I think.
It's funny how time changes your perspective on people. The same things my mom alway say are now a comfort to me, and I've started to notice that I am gaining lines of my own.
Last week I went to leave work and I said "well, I'm off..." and my coworker said "like a prom dress?" Apparently I inherited a slice of my mom, and I couldn't be happier.
