BEHOLD THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE OF ALL MEN in THE WORLD
My Dad on Advice for Important Events (interviews, exams, etc) :
“Don't Fuck Up”
NOR ANDERSON
My father says things, that are beyond comprehension. Not in a wow that guy’s a genius kind of way, but in a did he seriously just that right now? or did he just say that at all? kind of way. I can thank the ability to work with the public and take any nutcase comment that comes at me with a smile, because my father trained me all my life. He doesn’t mean too hurt peoples feelings, usually my dad means well. His delivery, timing, and overall choice of words is where he is lacking in skill.
My dad is a very straight forward individual, he likes order in his life and enjoys routine (this he passed to my sister, I ducked out of the way just in time). He is at times very shy, at times you wish he was being shy. My dad grew up in a farm type setting, and worked his way up the latter in commercial lending. Excellent idea when it came to my needing math help.
Nor Anderson enjoys golf, hockey and having a clean space. He cannot watch TV, until everything in the room is tidy and it a proper place, sadly, somehow despite my laziness I cannot in my adult life enjoy anything on TV in a messy living room. Thanks Dad.
He is a conservative man who can be at times overly traditional, but underneath all that is a sick and twisted sense of humour, along side a missing element I wish he had, and that is a filter. My father, is filter-less. He does not seem to know what he shouldn’t say, and furthermore does not understand when not to say certain things.
Example, when I was fifteen years old, I was coming out of the lake at the cottage we rented, and feeling refreshed, climbed onto the dock and smiled at Nor. He then gave me that look (the look is when he intensifies his brow, purses his lips, and stares at the thing he is about to comment on, in this case it was my face). Then he did what he always does, he opened his mouth and ruined an otherwise perfectly normal moment, by adding a touch of insanity.
He stared at my face, then said to me, “so...what are those, like, water pimples?” (and with that used his hand to motion around his face, to indicate he was referring to all of my face).
I’m not sure how I responded, either I said no and ranted about having pimples and being ugly (and probably threw in a “I’ll be single forever” comment, sadly true thus far, thanks a lot dad) or I ran off crying. In response now, I would say, “No father, I am a hormone ridden puberty victim at the moment, and my face has responded in the appropriate manner, but thank you for asking.”
The comment in itself is way off, who says that? Water pimples? It’s not even a thing, so what the fuck was he thinking. Secondly, the timing, always with the shit timing. I was fifteen, and if you’ve any clue what it feels like to be a fifteen year old girl in the western world, it’s that you are consistently bombarded with the idea that you must be perfect. Part of that comes from perfect skin you see in every advertisement and the other the fact that every other commercial on Much Music at the time was for acne treatment.
I guess Nor did not have a grasp of what it felt like, but again, what the fuck are water pimples? He at least could have made himself aware that teenage years include acne of some form, after all, he was a teen at some time.
There are many lines the famous Nor Anderson drops on people around him, and those who know him love him still, because it is just a part of him. I still don’t get it, however. He says things, and I ponder them for years.
Example number two (I really am sorry dad, I love you, know that). My sister gets a delivery from my dad one afternoon, soup from my mother. At this time, my sister was in the middle of completing some degree in her travels to doctor, and thus opened the door wearing her reading glasses, mid school work.
My sister is a very pretty woman, beautiful in fact. She is not however a fashionista, unless track pants aged five years are in style, but attractive she is indeed. When my sister opened the door, my father stood on the other side holding her soup, and without hesitation proclaimed, “WHOA ugly!” then added, “you don’t actually wear those, do you?”
Seriously Nor? Yeah, he says things like that. I can’t be mad at him for being real, at least I know when I ask his opinion on something, he’s being honest. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I don’t even have to ask. There was a time in my life when my dad noticed that my working out and eating healthy was paying off. How did he let me know? “Wow LB, you’ve really lost weight in your back fat.”
It sounds harsh, but you can mix the few famous comments like that with a million times more words of love and encouragement, he just likes to keep it real I guess.
You know that feeling you get when your with a group of people and you want to chime in with something, but deep down you know its probably best to keep your mouth shut? This voice comes into your head and reminds you not to make waves, and not to upset people?
I was taught to specifically ignore that voice. If I see a red button that indicates it is not to be pushed, I will push it. Years of conditioning have brought me here. Years of learned behaviour, and like anything, it all starts with family. In my case, it starts with my dad.
