What time do they shut the Falls off at night?

 

Growing up in a family of maniacs has an impact on all areas of ones life. My career life is one of a ridiculous nature. There have been many interviews I have sat through and had to deal with the surprised look on the interviewers face when then list off where I have worked.

I don't list all my jobs, indeed the banquet hall I worked at when I was fifteen really has no place on my resume, but if I was to list it all out you would be puzzled.

I've worked in retail, fast food, turf care, landscaping, public education, domestic violence, law enforcement, addictions and brain injury to name a few. All have been highly entertaining jobs, which have provided me with an abundance of life experience and great stories (lest confidentiality dictates otherwise).

The job I would like to tell you about, is the job I held with Niagara Parks. It was the summer of 2003 and I had turned down a promotion at a summer camp to stick around in the region for my sisters wedding activities.

I had mixed feelings about the summer to start, I felt sad that I was missing out on a summer away, but excited to be a part of my sister wedding plans and such. I am glad I remained in the area now so that I didn't miss out on such important events in her life, but the summer was a struggle for me. I was a tid bit angry once the summer got going.

The new job did have promise in the beginning, and I was excited to announce to people that I would be working as a Park Naturalist for the summer (I was in school for Geography at the time and this made me feel like I was stepping into my true career path - and if you could see me now I am rolling my eyes at what an ignorant dumb ass I must have been).

If you recall, the summer of 2003 was also the summer of a virus called SARS. It hit the region I lived in, and caused many trip cancellations from outsiders. Toronto even held a music festival with top artists to promote visitors in a time of tourist need.

This issue hit early on in the season, and my first day of work included a conversation with my new boss, as to how my job description was to change. I missed out on a summer walking a sunny boardwalk next to the Niagara river answering tourist questions and giving tours. I thought I would get a tan, get into decent shape (walking all day) and meet really interesting people. Not to mention I could spend my days in the beauty of a class six rapids deep down in a gorge.

It would have been an ideal replacement to not being at the camp working in the wilderness, and I was good with that, until it changed. Due to major cutbacks, two positions had been cut from the attraction I was working.

After this devastating conversation, we went into the staff room so I could pick out my uniform. The park naturalist uniform looked really cool to me at that point in life, it was a tan button up shirt with an official parks logo, and pair of green work pants. The issue, was that I was chubby with large breasts and I didn't fit into it.

I already had very poor body image at this time, so this kicked me in the groin pretty hard (emotionally speaking).  My back up uniform was the "other" uniform. It meant I didn't look like the Park Naturalist, and in fact once I put it on I resembled something closer to a circus tent.

This uniform was 100% polyester. It was navy (I hate navy) pants with a navy shirt that rested on my boobs and fell straight down making it look like a maternity top. Once I tucked it in, I looked like a balloon on a slick, but not in the back of course. In the back, the polyester hugged my back fat nicely.

It was unattractive and hot as fuck in the middle of summer. This was my new reality, and I hated it.

If you've never had the joy of visiting the falls, I will try and paint a picture of what it's like. Take a beautiful natural wonder surrounded by ancient Carolinian forest, eat a bunch of cement, plastic, blinking lights and paraphernalia with Niagara Falls printed on it, then shit that concoction onto said beautiful landscape. POOF - You have Niagara Falls.

It's sad really and an entirely different rant about how I feel people truly fucked up something that was perfect, but now you know. This means that every beautiful stretch of landscape along the river and the falls is littered with tacky tourist shops and places to pay and see the natural wonder, with of course a tacky tourist shop attached (always at the entrance and exit of the attraction). They even made a tourist attraction out of a gift shop as the LARGEST GIFT SHOP in Niagara.

Due to my altered workplace and the lack of staff, they needed help at my attraction to run the gift shops, ticket booth and operate the elevator. My job had the same title, and I had the pleasure of two tours (if we weren't too busy) a day, and the rest of my time was spent in my own personal hell.

I spent the summer running a cash machine in both gift shops, selling tickets to angry tourists who had been waiting in really long lines and operating the 1930's crank operated elevator. Sounds kinda cool, the elevator job right? Wrong.

A shift on the elevator was an hour at a time, with up to four hours in a shift spent in a box. The first time I pulled that crank I felt powerful, and thought - hey this is neat. Then I learnt the speech, the speech required to be announced by the elevator operator.

It has been a decade since I held this job, and I have that thirty second spiel memorized still. It took thirty seconds to ride the elevator down, and in that thirty seconds you said the speech. You drop off the people, pick up new ones and answer their ridiculous questions about the river, then drop them off on the basement floor into a gift shop. You then ride up one floor to the upper gift shop, and pick up the new batch only to say the speech again.

In an hour, the math is simple, you say the same thing sixty times. Factor in that when you open the door to pick up the next batch of smelly sweaty tourists, you face a giant clock. I watched that thing click from minute to minute all summer long, pure hell.

Here's something that seemed funny to me the first time I heard it. A tourist said to me as I closed the doors and started our decent, "Hows the elevator business? Has it's ups and downs EH?!"

I laughed, he laughed, we all laughed. Great gag. The first time I legit thought it was funny, the second to ten thousandth time I heard it, it lost it's humour. As it lost that, I lost my fucking mind. I would smile and force a giggle every time I heard it, but part of me died inside each time I did.

One day I was feeling silly, and assumed a gentleman who said it to me would be game for a laugh. When he asked me the question and finished with "has it's ups and downs" I chimed in with "it's not the ups and downs that get ya sir, it's the jerks in between." 

I have always prided myself on the ability to read people, this was one of those times I was way the fuck off. The man lost it, and I nearly lost my crappy job at the boardwalk.

Another bubble that burst in 2003, was the prospect of meeting interesting people. Either the world is filled of mostly idiots who do no research before travelling to an area and have an utter lack of common sense, or Niagara Falls is a travel destination these types flock too.

Here's a question I never imagined I would have to hear. "What time do they shut the falls off at night?"

Really? It's a natural fucking wonder, as in, it's NATURAL. Its like asking a tour guide in Banff AB what time they put the glaciers back into the freezer at night. I heard this questions at least three times a day.

By the end of the summer, I was tired of explaining that indeed the falls are natural and no they do not shut it off (although yes they have control over the flow due to the hydroelectric plant). When people would say "what time do they shut the falls off at night?" I would reply with "around 10:30pm, after the fireworks."

To this day I not only have my speech memorised, I wonder how many people stood there after the summer fireworks and waited for the falls to stop.

Here's another one I heard a lot. "Where is the nearest ski resort so we can ski?" This question would have made sense had this not been my SUMMER job. I am not sure why parts of the world think that Canadians spend the year in a winter wonderland, but when it's 30 degrees Celsius out and you see idiots driving around with snowboards and skis on their car, it's hard to maintain faith in the human race.

To this question I would usually tell them the directions two closest resorts (both hours away from Niagara), then let them know they most likely wont open until December. When we get snow.

The idea that we live in igloos is also still popular apparently. People would often ask where they were, if I drove a dog sled in the winter and what time of year we roll up the sidewalks and close up (as in the entire area).

Why do people get so stupid on vacations? Why did people ask me what currency the gifts are priced in, or if they have crossed the border from the states yet?

The only answer I can come up with, is because they entertain. Had it not been for the ridiculous tourists all summer pissing me off, I would have missed out on the stories they created for me.

That, and generally speaking, I work ridiculous jobs. It's what Lovable Maniacs do.

To close out this chapter, I must say this:

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the White Water Walk, my name is LB and I'll be taking you down. We are currently descending 230 feet or 70 meters in approximately 30 seconds. When we arrive at the bottom you will turn right and follow a tunnel out to a platform. From that platform make a left onto the boardwalk and follow that down to the end. While walking you will be looking at a class six rapids, class six being the highest class in North America. The boardwalk is about 305 meters or 1000 feet with two observation points. When you are finished make your way back up boardwalk and tunnel, press the button for the elevator and I'll be happy to come down and get you. Thank you for choosing Niagara Parks, and enjoy your walk.